That run I didn't want to do

There are mornings when I wake up as soon as my alarm goes out, hop out of bed, down a banana, clothes on, and I'm out the door for a run before I can even process it.  Today was not one of those days.  I did the wake up, go back to sleep deal for a while, followed by a very lazy morning.  I was moving slower than slow.  My motivation to run was not helped by being reminded of what 23 degrees feels like when I walked the dog.  Being cold in my ridiculously warm coat, gloves, and hat for a short walk around the block is not exactly what makes you want to go run in tights.

I was not looking forward to this run at all, and the only reason I was doing it was part of Operation Get in the Habit Again.  I was worried about the cold. About some GI issues I've been having. About my shin. My hamstring. I think deep down I was worried about disappointing myself and getting another reminder of how slow and out of shape I am.  The prescribed workout was a measely 30 minutes- out at zone 2 (8:57 pace), back at zone 3 (8:38 pace).  I finally got myself out the door thinking I'd start by just running and then worry about hitting the paces, if at all.

Well, a block from the house my Garmin announced it lost satellites.  Awesome, glad I stood in the cold not moving for 3 minutes while it searched so hard for them before I started.  Oh well, just run by feel.  I felt like I was running a decent pace, not sprinting, but not just skipping along.  Then my watch beeped to tell me I was at the mile mark. And based on how I know where every mile essentially is from my home (a special gift of being a runner), I knew it was pretty close.  I guess it had magically re-found satellite and somehow guessed those parts it missed?  Magic technology aside, I saw I was at a 7:50 pace.  While this would once not have been a feat for me, lately it is.  My 5k pace is 7:57.  Yes, I had the wind helping me, but I had no warm-up and it was cold, and I was running this pace not feeling like I was going to die.

I kept on.  Now it was feeling a bit more like I was pushing it, but still not that awful going to collapse any moment feeling I had with the 5k test.  I didn't look at my watch much, just kept going.  Minor stomach cramps came and went, nothing to bad.  When I hit the turn around, it got much harder as I had the wind in my face, both adding resistance and just some good ol' suck value to the run.  I got a bit more of a side stitch but told myself I only had 15 minutes to go.  Around mile 3 I slowed down significantly, but I didn't stop or walk.  My body wanted to, but I knew I had no good reason to.  Slowing down was allowable, but I wasn't going to succumb to walking.  Mental toughness builds in the winter, far ahead of the long rides and runs of the Ironman build.

I finished the run with an overall pace of 8:02 min/miles.  I was elated.  Not only was I resembling my old speed (though at a harder effort) but I had an awesome run when I had been dreading it.  I wonder if this is the power of expectations.  I had the bar set low for the run.  I was going to be proud of myself just for getting out the door and slogging through 30 minutes.  I wasn't going into it as a test, where I have expectations and am disappointed in results.  A few weeks ago, I quit on myself during the test, walking some steps.  Today I powered through.  I believe during the test I felt defeated halfway through, and gave up.  Today, every good step just felt like a bonus.

I need to keep this in mind with future workouts I am dreading.  It tends to be those that I really put off that end up surprising me.  The power of low expectations cannot be underestimated.

Battling Excuses

Back in the good ol' days when I was in decent shape, I never skipped workouts.  I didn't make excuses to skip a workout, instead, I made excuses to skip other things that were potentially in the way of workouts.  It was a mindset, or even an addiction or compulsion.  While it might not sound very healthy or balanced, I am trying to get at least part of that mindset back.  My mindset much of the past year was "well, what is another missed workout" or justifying it, as ____ is more important, and that way, I'll have more time later to get the workout.  I also realize that one of my major issues is that I let perfect be the enemy of good.  It was that all or nothing attitude.  If I wasn't going to be able to do the full hour ride, why do any?  Or if my legs were toast and I couldn't do the prescribed workout, I'd bag it all together. 

Last night I had a bike workout on my schedule.  I'd been out of town for 10 days and hadn't biked in nearly 2 weeks.  It wasn't routine.  I got home from work and it was later than I had planned.  Then I realized I didn't have my power cord for my computer that no longer maintains a charge, so I had to go and install TrainerRoad and the ANT+ application on an old computer of mine.  It was getting later and later.  I felt excuses every step of the way.  The truth is that skipping that workout would not have mattered physically.  But it would promote the pattern of skipping workouts and not help in getting back my old mindset.  I powered through, and felt pretty darn good the whole time. Score.

Well, when you lose the momentum, you lose it.  Overcoming excuses last night did not have my magically psyched up for tonight's run.  My original plan was to run around 4ish, from work, then go home after.  I had my snack at 3:30.  Then I got busy with something and before I knew it, it was 5:30.  Having a dog puts some limits on my schedule and I needed to be home somewhat soon.  Hmm, skipping was tempting...  Cold and rainy didn't help either.  I had those thoughts of "I can do it tomorrow" but I reminded myself that my history says that won't happen.  So I talked myself into a new plan- run home.  It is about 7 miles if you do it the short way, which is longer than I had intended.  As I stood outside waiting for my Garmin to find satellites (which ironically takes forever considering we are across the street from the Garmin store), it started to rain.  Then a bit of my old attitude sank in- this was fun- I was badass.  Of course I was going to run home.  Because I can do it. 

It turned out to be a nice run.  The lakefront at night is magical, just the glow off the water with the waves.  Somewhat eerie, but enough people out to feel safe.  However, this run was not perfect.  I skipped the prescribed intervals.  My reasons can all be seen as excuses- sore hamstring (still!), shin splints, can't read the watch well in the dark, etc.  But I still got a 7 mile run in.  To me, that is good.  Not perfect, but pretty darn good!

Thirteen Years of Races Without Dad

Today marks 13 years since I lost my dad. During Ironman training this summer, I read a father's account of his race experience, finishing an Ironman with his daughter.  Maybe it was the emotions and fatigue of training that led me to be a sap, but I found I felt better after writing this.

I grew up with a dad who loved to be active.  He was always running, rowing, biking, swimming- heck, even building cardboard boats for us to take part in the "Cardboard Boat Race".  I have memories of my mom making lasagna for his rowing club to carbo load with.  I remember jumping in the car with my mom and sister to hunt my dad down after he went for a run in the dark and it starting storming. When we found him, he didn't see what the big deal was.  A little rain wasn't going to hurt anyone.  He said that line a lot, actually.  Still to this day, when I am getting ready to run in cold, rain, snow, heat, wind, or whatever mother nature throws our way, I remember my dad saying "If you only run when the weather is perfect, you'll never run." And when things hurt, there is always his equally infamous (and not original) "No pain, no gain." I'm not sure how much I admitted it at the time, but I loved going for runs with him. We would do local 5ks and the annual Turkey Trot Five Miler, which was a big feat for a kid. Of course, he made it seem like an even bigger deal when he would take my medal and ceremoniously place it in our "Trophy Cabinet" among his various plaques and trophies.

I remember the day my dad died, he was getting his PICC line out after a long course of antibiotics. When he wasn't answering at home, we figured he had finally gotten out for a swim- something he hadn't been able to do and was so looking forward to. That thought of my dad happily returning to physical activity was still in my mind when I found my father dead at age 49, never to complete another race.

My dad was an endurance guy. He wasn't ever going to be the world's best, but he loved being his best. While the embarrassment of being a 13 year old with your father picking you up from school in neon spandex is very real, so was my pride for all my dad could do. Most of my friend's dads weren't up at 5am every day to row, or sneaking in a 8 mile run before a family bike ride on weekends.

One of the big "sucks" of having a parent die when you are a kid is that they don't get to see the adult you grow up to be. For me, my dad never got to see the athlete I have become. I didn't get to call him and tell him when I broke an 8 minute mile (and then 7 minute), or when I finished my first 10k. He wasn't around when I signed up my first half marathon, and raised $3900 for the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of America doing so. Heck, he didn't even know I had to overcome this disease to be the athlete I have become.  He wasn't there when I finished my first marathon, or qualified for Boston on my third, or when I started dabbling in triathlons. He wasn't there when I crushed my half-ironman expectation away and finished in 5:33, two days after starting to flare. It might seem insignificant that I am sad he doesn't know me as an athlete, but that is because who I am as an athlete is who I am- it is my determination, my courage, my strength.

Most of all, my dad hasn't been there for my Ironman journey, from the excitment I had when I registered, to the moments of panic I'm having as I taper. I think that if he was alive, we might have been embarking on this journey together.  I imagine us signing up, excitedly, together. Calling each other after each long session, sharing tips, the highs, and the lows. I can picture him bragging- not about his own accomplishments in training, but about mine. As any father, he was more proud of anything I might do than himself.

I know a lot of people will say that he has been there, in some form or another, all along, and will be with me on September 8.  In some ways, I agree, but it isn't enough.  My mom will be there when I cross the finish line, and yes, that does mean the world to me, but her version of a pep talk when I admit how terrified I am of the 140.6 miles I am about to cover is "well honey, I still love you if you don't want to do it."  I like to think that back when I was just a kid, my dad taught me to love sports knowing it would get me through the tough times and shape me into who I am today. This year was a tough one for me, and the training was what got me through. I don't have my dad around to offer advice or be a shoulder to cry on, but thanks to him, I have 140.6 miles of therapy.

Testing, testing

I officially have my first bike and run tests of the 2013-2014 season behind me.  Testing is something that is still relatively new to me, and that I never did before joining Endurance Nation.  The bike test consists of 5 minutes all out, followed by 10 minutes of recovery and then an all out 20 minute segment.  The run test consists of a 5k run.  Sounds simple enough, but the thought of a looming test gives me nightmares. 

There are several reasons to test.  The advertised reason is to know where you are at now to set your training zones for the next weeks, and track your improvement.  More valuable than this, I believe, is the practice of pushing yourself.  As hard as we may train on a daily basis, in the endurance world it is more the prolonged suffering than lying in the fetal position about to puke.  And while Ironman intensity is far different than that of a bike or run test, the mental practice of pushing through the pain and not listening to your head telling you to stop is incredibly valuable.  Once again, I have a quote to capture this-

“That’s what our training is for, we practice not panicking, we practice breathing, we practice looking directly at the thing that scares us until we stop flinching, we practice overriding our Can’t.” - Kristin Armstrong

With that in mind, I think it is important to judge the success of tests not only on the FTP or pace, but how successful we were at overriding the “can’t.”  So how’d I do?

Run Test:

I did the run test last Tuesday, and the timing was far from ideal.  I was coming off being sick, the puking your guts out sick, and hadn’t trained well for about a week.  It was also a day before my big licensing exam, so my mind was definitely elsewhere.  I tried to make excuses for pushing it back all day, but finally I laced up and went.  I warmed up for about 12 minutes, nice and easy.  Then I was off.  While I had my Garmin, I’d also mapped out a route on mapmyrun as I didn’t want to run any extra due to a misbehaving Garmin.  I’m not sure the last time I ran fast.  It was kind of funny how I just flipped a switch from my just running along pace to pushing it.  Fair to say I went out to fast.  It felt ok at first. Almost fun or freeing to be running fast.  I was spinning my legs, breathing hard but not painful.  Then it started to get a little hard. I reminded myself that it would be over soon enough, and just keep pushing. Of course, I said this thinking I was almost to the mile marker, when a glance at my Garmin showed I hadn’t cleared a half-mile yet. Doh. It was hard, but it still seemed doable.  I tried to slow down just a hair, thinking I can save it for my final kick. Then I slowed down some more.  While I was most certainly fatigued and hurting form poor pacing, it was mental/psychological fatigue that was getting to me.  I didn’t like how it felt.  I didn’t like how my legs felt, my lungs, my overall comfort. I even walked a few steps.  I kept telling myself this is to practice pushing through, but I was not strong enough to listen.  So in that respect, I failed. 

In terms of the pure run time, I ran in 24:16.  Definitely not something to write home about, as while I have not run a 5k in a while, I know this is significantly slower than what I was capable of just over a year ago. However, it could have been a lot worse.  I finally have an honest view of where I am at, and I think it incorporates both my physical ability and my mental.  Getting stronger in either will result in a better test next time. 

------

Bike Test:

Due to traveling last week and being sick, the bike test didn’t happen until Monday of this week.  I hadn’t ridden the trainer since last April, and was reminded of how annoying it is to set up initially- changing to a trainer tire, changing the skewer, centering the wheel.  This year I was using TrainerRoad with my PowerTap, so I can’t really compare to last year.  I was also inside on a trainer tire, making it different than outside.  Therefore, I had no idea where the FTP would fall. 

As soon as I started warming up, I saw that my numbers were going to be low.  I think I therefore went into the test a bit disheartened.  The five minute test saw a rapid decay as I immediately realized my initial effort was not sustainable.  The good thing about the 5 minute test is it really will be over soon.  Then came the 20 minute test.  It just goes on and on.  I did do a good job of pacing overall, as no major decay in the power.  It felt hard throughout, mentally and physically, but I whole-heartedly believe I could have pushed harder.  Again, mental toughness has a ways to go. Interestingly, my cadence was high- 94 for the 5 minute, 98 for the 20 minute test.  I always thought of myself as a low cadence rider, even lower inside.  The test ended in disappointment.  I never thought my FTP would be that low, and while I don’t have a true basis to compare, I am sure I am deconditioned.  I had false expectations that the OutSeason would just be building on what I had- I forgot I first have to regain what I lost sitting on the couch.  Well, as I’ve said before, no where to go but up!

------

An area I struggled with in both tests was not having a clear expectation going in.  This made it difficult to both pace myself, as well as motivate myself.  Going into the next tests, I will be able to formulate a stronger plan, as well as have a benchmark to compare myself to.  Something I knew I did before and can therefore do again, but this time, better.

How to Build a Wall

Tomorrow starts the infamous "OutSeason" training plan. Fourteen weeks of intense bike and run workouts guaranteed to make you want to cry faster.  Yes, I was planning on delaying this due to my shin pain, but as of now, I'm still hoping to start.  This means that tomorrow evening, Baby Beluga will get put on the trainer and I will do my first bike test of the season.

I am terrified. First, it is going to be hard, as a test requires you to push as hard as you can. This means it is uncomfortable. I have trained my body to fight fatigue and just keep going, but the uncomfortableness of an Ironman is totally different than that of 20 minutes all out. And honestly, I'd take the Ironman. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable is one of the themes of my outseason.  Second, I know the numbers are going to be bad. I have done barely anything since IMWI, and then this weekend I got a stomach bug and have been puking my guts out and barely eating. Not a good combo going into a test, but you have to start somewhere.  I am planning on probably bumping up my numbers a bit in the first few weeks as my legs come back (at least I'm hoping they will).

I will start this plan of pain with exactly 11 months to go until IM Chattanooga. And all I am thinking about is IM Chattanooga. I use to think this is a good thing- a long term goal to drive me.  Unfortunately, if you are focused on one goal for 11 months, you burn out.  Right now, my focus needs to be 100% on what I am doing that day to get my workout done as well as possible, and how that will contribute to a successful season.  In that line of thinking, a great quote was posted today-

“You don’t try to build a wall. You don’t set out and say ‘I’m gonna build the biggest, baddest, greatest wall that has ever been built’. You say ‘I’m going to lay this brick as perfectly as a brick can be laid’. You do this every single day, and soon you have a wall.”
- Will Smith

I can't go into my bike test tomorrow saying "I'm going to go to Kona." I have to go into the test prepared to do the best test possible, with what I have to give tomorrow. I will strive to treat each workout like that, each subsequent test, and each race. And eventually, (hopefully) I will get there.

Argh, shins!

When I started running, I thought shin and calf pain was just part of the game. It hurt bad. Every single run, from start to finish.  My calves were tight, and would burn when running.  I'd stop several times on my 20-30 min runs to stretch them out.  I'm sure the shin pain was linked, and I'm also sure I should not have just run through them.  But then there was the glorious day where I ran and it didn't hurt. I was amazed at how wonderful running could be without pain.  I finally realized that, in fact, pain was not just a normal part of running (though how often we run through it!).

Since then, I have had shin pain off and on.  It plagued me, along with patellofemoral syndrome, through my first half marathon.  It came back with my first marathon. Then it has mostly been at bay.  Occasionally my shins "talk" to me, but never a lengthy thing. I chalked my recovery up to have a good base, which I still believe to be true.

As mentioned a zillion times already, it was hard to come back from losing my base this past year, and shin splints were one of the injuries along the way.  I never really purposefully rested with them, just toned it back a bit (though the lack of motivation might be more at play than my thoughtful recovery plan) and started using compression sleeves.  By the time of IMWI, they were a non-issue.

In Milwaukee, I went for a run, and had some right (always the bad one) shin pain. Then yesterday I went for a run again, this time with my calf sleeves, and the pain started right away. I thought I'd run a bit, as it sometimes subsides with a good warmup.  A mile in, and no change.  ARGH!! Today it is sore just walking. 

A few issues are to blame.
1) Still don't have a good base. Consistency has been poor in running, and it matters so much. That is why it is so frustrating that to recover, you really must take some time off, since this causes that base to further deteriorate.
2) Tight calves. My calves are ridiculously tight. I have a rocker stretcher and man, do I feel it. Gastroc, soleus, posterior tib, all of them. I need to get on a good stretching regimen ASAP. For those unaware, these muscles actually insert on that bone that hurts with shin splints. They give it a nice tug when tight, and can really cause that pain.
3) Weight. Wait, wait, don't tell me- being heavier is bad for your body! I was reviewing some old notes today and found that a 1 lb increase in body weight is 4 lbs more of force on your knees. Ouch. I am about 20 lbs heavier than I was at my last marathon two years ago. And yes, I'm working on that, but in the meantime, that is a whole lot more pounding on my legs.  At the grocery store I bought a 3 lb bag of onions. Then I thought that I've gained almost 7 of those. I felt like writing an apology letter to my legs.  On the flip side, a 3 lb bag is significant, as well as an achievable weight loss goal. I hope that I will feel better as I take incremental bits off. 
4) Running shoes. Early in the summer I had a total panic attack in Fleet Feet when I found out the Asics Foundations, which I've worn for years, have been discontinued. I'm now in Asics Kayanos with SuperFeet inserts (copper) and know that they don't control my love for pronation as well as the Foundations do. I am still confident I can run successfully in them, as I resolved my shin pain wearing them over the summer. It is just one more contributing factor at the time being.
5) Fancy Shoes. At the conference last week, I was wearing my "fancy" shoes. The quotes are because to anyone else, they wouldn't be fancy. They are flats because I fall in anything remotely resembling a heel. But they lack an arch support and have no cushioning. They aren't my running shoes which I wear pretty much all the time.  While there are arguments to more minimal support, I am firmly in the camp of, at least for me, I need support or we're in trouble.
5) Other weak areas.  Overall, I have pretty good running form.  I don't really think about it, but I've been told on several occasions that it is good. Yes, as a PT I should be more aware of my form, but however perfect it may be, I am aware of my weaknesses.  My core is pathetic. My hips are weaker than your grandma's. My single limb balance is atrocious. I am a hamstring dominant runner to the point where my glutes might as well not exist. How much these issues contribute, I'm not sure.  But they can definitely cause malalignment, especially since I'm a pronator, and increase forces my poor legs are taking up.

So there you have it, I can diagnose my problem, I'm just not a compliant patient.  I obviously need to be stretching my calves like crazy and doing core work.  I also need the day to have a few extra hours in it.

My plan for now is to really let these shins calm down. I will then rebuild my base. Slowly. Consistency is key, but it can be in the flavor of 20 minute runs and build from there.  My original training plan had me start the Endurance Nation Outseason plan this coming Monday. After asking the coach about my situation with shins that might not behave well with high intensity running, things are going to shift. I will now do a bike focus plan as I build up my running, and start the Outseason in January. Ah, what they say about plans...

The First Seven Days

I am seven days in to my Whole 30 attempt. I'll be upfront and say I'm not doing it completely by the book.  I am not sweating stuff like "what oil was that cooked in?" or traces of cheese.  Partially because I am traveling a lot this month and know that much of that is out of my control, and partially because I do not have an issue with those sort of details in my relationship with food.

So how has it been going...  for the most part- good! I am not tracking calories, though in my brain I find myself occasionally doing mental calorie math.  I am keeping a journal of what I eat, which makes me feel more in control. The week started with very little cravings. I was shocked at how easy it was, but in a way I was just excited to have a plan. Same as when you start a new training plan and follow every single thing exactly.  I had a bad run early in the week which was depressing, and was a little discouraged that I wasn't immediately feeling skinny. As the week went on, despite my weaknesses (see below...), I did realize that I had not ups and downs throughout the day. I am curious to see if this will help my self-diagnosed ADD.

I believe this was a lifesaver at the conference. While I was initially worried about traveling with "rules", the rules really helped.  There were continental (free) breakfasts with loads of baked goods that I could see myself binging on.  There was hot chocolate, sugary trail mix bars, froofy coffee drinks, etc.  Traveling previously turned into a reason to binge, and I kept that all in check. I ate the inside of sandwiches/wraps and left pasta salad on my plate at a luncheon, surrounded by people who probably were curious as to my eating but didn't ask and I didn't feel the need to explain. I went to Qdoba one day and got three chicken tacos with salsa and guacamole, and then ditched the shells. I carried bags of mixed nuts if I needed them, and had more tea than I probably ever have.

There were a few times I was tempted to give up and try a sweet.  I heard my head saying "you can try again later" but I know how that works out.  It will always be hard and there will be no perfect time.  I keep telling myself that that sweet adds nothing to my health and will lead to more sweets. Also, it really just isn't that good. I know how it will taste, it will make me feel good momentarily, but lead to hunting down every sweet and hating myself.  I think eventually I'll limit sweets to special occasions when they really are good and the environment makes me stay in control. 

Tea has become a treat.  I would look forward to it in the evening at the beginning of the week, and at breaks during the conference.  It was like a little luxury to be sipping it.  Nice and warm. Comforting. Something to do instead of mindlessly snacking. Yay for replacing unhealthy habits with tea!

My weaknesses are nuts and fruit.  I took the big bags of cashews and mixed nuts from Trader Joe's and individually bagged them by 1/4 cup servings to keep myself from overeating them too much, but have still helped myself to a serving when I really wasn't hungry.  Almond butter is out of control. Small spoonful, then big spoonful, then many big spoonfulls.  The stuff is crack.  In 3 days my rather large container was half gone.  As for fruit, at the conference I was at I ate my body weight in fruit salad.  I would have a big helping at breakfast, then more at the free breakfast once at the conference, and then some more at the first break.  It was largely melon, which I believe is a preferred fruit on Whole30, but still, way too much fruit, and worse, it was eating when I was already full, which is a habit I'd love to break. I do recognize, however, that if not for this, I would have eaten way worse than fruit.  I also see that late nights are my weakness as well.  I am tired and stressed, and it is getting further from dinner. Just another reason to work on sleep!

I had a minor slip up, apart from my exceptions on oil and cheese and that.  There was a "make your own trail mix" bar during a break. I went to check it out thinking there might be some nuts.  What I found was banana chips. I have great memories from college of picking up a bag of banana chips the night before an exam and plowing through the bag with a little help of my study buddies.  I tried to think if they had added sugar or not.  I know regardless, they were probably not the best thing for me, but I ignored that voice in my head and got a big serving. Once I tasted them it was pretty obvious there had to be some sugar there, but I just kept eating them.  I was proud of myself for not turning it into "I broke it, might as well give up and eat everything in sight." However, I do think it made me crave sugar a bit more after that.  Good reason to be stricter/smarter.

Another habit I have to break is wanting dessert after I eat a meal.  I had a salad one night (complete with olive oil and red wine vinegar instead of dressing- point for me!) and was satisfied afterwards. But I had this nagging that the meal wasn't complete unless I had dessert. In the end, I ate a larabar, which, while followed the rules, doesn't help in breaking the cycle of needing dessert after a meal. I will try tea from now on.

I am realizing I have a fear of being hungry. Or maybe it is just how I justify more food. I have to eat now, because heaven forbid, I get hungry later.  It is so rare that I actually experience being hungry.  Though, I'm not sure what is better- preemptively eating to prevent hunger, or skipping that snack and being hungry and possibly overeating because of it.  Mindful eating is definitely a goal for me, and slowing down my eating would help feel satisfied. 

All in all, a good first week!