The Three Month Mark

Don't get me started on where time is going this year, but on Saturday, we hit the "three months to go" mark.  Warning, warning: Ironman ahead!  Yep, officially on the radar (since it wasn't before, of course that hasn't consumed my thoughts since registering last September...). And while many of my posts are all "why do I suck at committing to training", I am happy to report I am in a good place. 

I had mixed emotions (though mainly relief) about bailing on Rev3 Wisconsin Dells.  And last weekend didn't turn into that great training weekend I had envisioned.  But this past week was awesome!  Almost 14 hours of training, my high for the year (by a ton) and around the max hours I was hitting last year.  I was putting in the time and enjoying it! 

So at three months to go- here is where we're at:

1) Swim: Great!  Yes, I said that.  I don't know if it was the classes I took or what, but my swim is feeling good!  Times are dropping, but more importantly, I'm not dreading my time in the water.  Life still gets in the way with swimming, but last week I did 2 of the 3 prescribed workouts, exactly as written.  The goal from here on out is to hit all three swims each week, preferably an open water swim each week, and work on my pull.  I still don't think I have a good feel for the water.  Sidenote: helped out at a Challenged Athletes Foundation swim clinic this weekend- coolest experience ever.  Possibly more on that in another post. 

2) Bike: Biking is also going well!  I am loving Penelope, my new P2.  With travel and laziness, I had gone a fair amount with no/minimal riding.  I kicked it into gear last week.  It was evident at first how out of shape I was.  I had big plans for an epic bike week, but the first night I hopped on the trainer, planning a FTP ride of 10', 15', 10' followed by zone 3 time.  I bailed after struggling through the second interval.  Wednesday I rode to my doctor's appointment at UofC (about 33 miles).  I took Baby Beluga since I'm too scared to leave Penelope anywhere, and had a pretty solid ride (though no data so who knows).  However, since I took my Cobb V-flow saddle off BB for Penelope, I realized while riding the stock saddle just how great the V-flow is!  Ouch.  I now have a new saddle on the way so both bikes can be luxury rides.  Thursday saw another ride- 3x8' at FTP.  It was a morning I had trouble getting out of bed but I ended up really enjoying the ride.  The 8 minute intervals are tough but short enough that mentally I could talk my way through them.  Then it was on to the weekend for the long rides.  Saturday saw just under 60 miles with some great FTP work (12', 15', 10'), where all intervals felt doable.  Sunday was the follow-up, where I discovered a new route.  I rode west on Devon, picked up the Forest Preserve path, took that up to Tower Road, and rode back my usual way on Sheridan.  The path is winding and there was some congestion on it, so not the best route if I had solid numbers to hit, but good for a Z2ish ride.  Just fun to be out "exploring". 

This week will see my doing a bike test- dreading it already.  I'm not sure if I'm expecting a change or not.  Last week is really the only solid week of training I have, but I also executed my last test badly (i.e. binging on ice cream right before) so we'll see.  At the very least I'll get practice testing.

3) Running.  Win- it has actually been happening.  Last Sunday I decided to test my hip (again) after a week off with increased soreness.  I started the week with an easy 20 minute run on Monday- pain free.  Tuesday I pushed it to 4 miles, where it was evident that while my hip felt fine, my endurance had vanished.  The real success was running 6 whole miles on Thursday. Pain-free!  And, pain-free on Friday!  I even did 3.5 more miles Saturday, all pain free!  Pain-free!  So excited!  I know I've been here before on this rollar coaster, but this seems like it might work out.  15.5 miles for the week- that is a big win! 

So what is different?  I'm not sure.  Maybe just time (3.5 months!!).  I have been better about doing some exercises and stretches- mostly clams for strength and internal rotation stretches.  I think that helps the muscles remember to fire, and gets my alignment better.  I've noticed that the right feels different than the left with the internal rotation, like sometimes it doesn't just feel muscular but like something is off.  I'm still being somewhat conservative.  This week I will push it to 8 miles and see how that feels.  Fingers crossed.

4) Nutrition- the fourth discipline.  And a win here!  I am using myfitnesspal.com and tracking.  Even if I don't know something for sure, I guess, just to get in the habit and not do a "well, this is all a waste."  It is going well, except for Friday which became a free-for-all (though felt different than a binge...).  I've been making a lot of things from the Racing Weight Cookbook and really enjoying everything I've made there.  The scale hasn't moved as much as I would like, though it hasn't been long at all.  I need to remember that a pound a week consistently will get me to my goal. 

Some things still aren't perfect.  I'm not sleeping enough.  Stressed at work.  Disorganized in many ways. But with three months to go, I'm pretty happy with everything!

I'm not superwoman...

Some people do it all.  They work full time, high pressure jobs.  They raise families.  They train 15+ hrs a week, and race like pros.  Well, I'm not one of them.  I cannot do it all, and therefore will be marking my second DNS of the season this weekend. 

I knew my June was crazy.  Rev3 Wisconsin Dells would be the third (long) weekend in a row I'd be out of town.  The first was a conference, so that had some stress.  Then my best friend's wedding, complete with MOH duties.  Yeah, stressful.  And then this.  Add to it that work has never been crazier (mostly good crazy, but crazy).  Bad sleep.  A cold I'm just getting over.  Bad eating.  Sick cat.  Bad training.  Bad news about my aunt.  Disastrous house.  Emotional breakdown on 28th birthday.  Yes- not my week. 

It came to the tipping point this morning.  I was woken up by my dog hacking up a lung in her crate.  Not only have my travels gotten the best of me, but I was sure she had kennel cough.  Which would be her second bout of it in about six months.  Winning.  Then at lunch came a text that a friend who was in town to look for an apartment was in the hospital.  Come on people, I can't take this.  Then when I got home from not the best day of work at the hospital (apparently I went to school for 3 years to get a DPT to be competent at spoon feeding patients and changing diapers), I was crippled by anxiety.  I had a finite time window to 1) get dog to boarding (kennel cough false alarm or my emotions scared it out of her); 2) get my bike to the bike shop to get the 11-28 cassette installed so I wouldn't be stuck at the bottom of the hills in the Dells; and 3) pick up rental car.  I seriously didn't know where to start, and I realized I just couldn't do it. 

So good for those people who aren't crippled by things like this.  I applaud you but I'm not you.  I am inches from a breakdown (or maybe already in one) and need to take care of me.  None of these things are really that bad, and I know I could handle them.  But at what cost?  And why?

I was originally very excited for this race.  Then came the hip.  Then came bad training.  And then came stress that put this race at the bottom of my priorities.  I'm sure it would be fun and you always learn from racing, but I think a DNS is the best thing for me.  Training-wise especially, I can get way more out of a weekend of training not bogged down by travel and all that stress then I would by traveling to go there.  I always hate losing the registration fee, but really I'm saving money by not renting a car, having a hotel room, or boarding the dog.  And I'm saving my sanity.  Instead of being stressed out all weekend about a race I don't care much about, I can get my life in order.  I can clean.  I can get some work done.  I can train.  I can sleep.  I can (gasp) have fun?  Relax? 

DNS is never an easy decision, and I hope I'm not making a pattern of it.  But it is important to have perspective.  When I was training for my first marathon or first Olympic or first HIM, a DNS seemed like the worse thing in the world.  Now it seems like a huge relief.  For better or for worse, that's where I am right now.  Not superwoman, and that is ok. 

Leon's Tri 2014 Race Report- Swim, Bike, Run/Walk Edition

I registered for Leon's Triathlon way back in the fall, before I ever saw this injury and long layup coming.  It was designated as a C-race for me, meaning no deliberate taper, just keep with my current training plan.  In the past few weeks with this hip of mine, I haven't been sure whether or not to still do the race.  I ultimately decided I should at least do the swim and bike to have a competitive atmosphere push me.  I had already paid my registration and it wasn't much increased cost, as the race is 45 minutes away and all I would need is a car.  This week as I reintroduced running mixed with walking, I started to think maybe I could do a run/walk approach to the run.  The main thing scaring me was that google race results are forever- I was scared about having a super slow time posted on the interwebs for the world to see.  But then I had my attitude breakthrough yesterday and decided to go for it.

In the week leading up, my training wasn't great.  I did a long ride on Memorial Day, a couple 30 minute swims, and those joyous run/walk sessions.  Thursday was a total rest day.  I had planned on putting in a long ride for HIM training yesterday, but sleep and life won out.  So maybe I will be "tapered" for this thing after all.

Yesterday was a "what not to eat the day before a race" type of day.  Ice cream for breakfast.  Not an exaggeration.  Random, mostly unhealthy, stuff throughout the day.  No excuse for it, but those glycogen stores were at least tapped off.  While I was at it, I decided to make other silly day before race mistakes.  Like not thinking of packing my stuff until 9pm.  Or not going to bed until 11pm.  I think I have gotten use to the somewhat complex logistics of the longer stuff and had forgotten that even "just" an Olympic has lots of moving parts.  So next time, checklists.

I woke up this morning at 5am exhausted.  Quick shower, breakfast of 1 cup vanilla yogurt and 1/2 cup gluten free oats, and a cup of coffee.  I thought I'd be on the road by 5:30 but it was closer to 6.  This got me a bit anxious but I knew I had plenty of time.  It is just a 45 minute drive and transition closed at 7:20.  It was an uneventful drive down, and had the usual emergence of fancy bikes on cars as you got close to the site.  Plenty of parking at the high school, and then I took Penelope to transition.

Transition was first come first serve, which is not my favorite.  I chose a somewhat central location (without scoping out the traffic flow in transition).  Again, checklists would have been helpful.  My brain was still tired and I was having a hard time figuring out what I needed.  I also had brought way too much stuff, so a packing checklist would've helped there.  I was excited to have my first race with Penelope.  I had her set up with the profile bottle in the aerobars with 3 scoops Perform and a bottle on the frame with water.  I definitely need to adjust the straw in the Profile bottle, as that was not ideal.  Once I was setup I got bodymarked and applied sunscreen.  I ate a banana around 7am and then joined the portapotty line, which moved pretty quickly.

After I left transition, I had my first two complaints about this race, one of which is preventable with better planning on my part.  1) No gear check or glasses area.  Yes, you can leave most of your stuff in transition, but I had an hour between the close of transition and my start time.  For me it was mostly that I wanted to have glasses and then somewhere to put them, but I could see having a gear check be good for other things like flip flops or warm clothes on a cold day.  I ended up asking the guy at the Athletico tent to stow my glasses for me.  The second was no fluids while we waited, not even a water fountain.  I should have brought a bottle, but it would've been nice to have cups of water or gatorade out for that wait.  I got really nervous about dehydrating so I ended up breaking that "don't try anything new on race day" rule and having lots of samples from vendors of their various drink products.

There was an opening ceremony with nice recognition given to different military groups.  The whole race felt very patriotic- flags everywhere!  The guy that does the anthem for the Blackhawks sang it here as well.  They announced that they were trying to speed up getting us in the water to beat the heat as much as possible.  My wave was scheduled to start at 8:30, I'm not sure how much earlier we ended up.  I had a gu at 8ish and got my wetsuit on and lined up with the other pink caps.  My wave was the last one of the Olympic and all men and women 34 yrs old and under.  I was a little scared to be swimming with the guys, but nothing I could do about it.  Stay in my box.

The swim starts in deep water.  It felt refreshing when I first jumped in.  The water temperature was 73 degrees, and I was happy I'd gone with my sleeveless wetsuit.  The swim course is a rectangle, and is well marked with orange buoys.  I was nervous that I was going to panic as I usually do a bit for my first open water swim of the season, but I was fine.  I got into a rhythm pretty quickly, and tried to really focus on the patient hands/gliding that I've been working on.  Much harder to execute in open water, and I could not get into a rhythm of breathing every 3rd stroke.  There was surprisingly little contact during the swim, which kept making me think I was off course.  I also had no idea where I stood in the pack.  A few times when I paused to reorient myself, I could see caps ahead of me and caps behind me, so I guess I was somewhere in the middle.  The swim seemed long.  I think this is partially due to my lack of swimming, as I'm not use to spending time in the water.  I wasn't really tired, just like "get me out of here".  There was a sandbar close to the end of the swim, so people were standing up.  I thought it was over, but then the sandbar dropped off and you had about another 100 m to go.  My swim time was 34:19.  While this time is quite disappointing, you really can't slack as much as I have on the swim training and expect a miracle.

When I came out of the water I felt dizzy and disoriented.  I got the top part of my suit off and left my goggles on since they are prescription.  The run to transition was longer than I thought, as the entrance was on the far side.  Should've checked that out better before hand.  Found my bike pretty quickly and could tell my heart rate was sky high.  The dizziness got a bit better when I got my glasses on but I still felt off balance. Penelope and I were off to the mount line.

As soon as I was on the bike I felt off.  My heart rate was ridiculously high, still felt a bit disoriented, and felt I couldn't get my legs going.  Starting off into a head wind wasn't helpful, and I quickly felt discouraged.  I didn't have a super clear bike goal to begin with, but that "just give up" side of my brain started talking.  I compromised- I would try to push myself, but accept that what I get pushing myself might not be what I want.

The major criticism of the bike course is the massive amount of turns.  I would add that the second criticism is absolutely no scenery.  Concrete.  Roads.  Concrete.  Not exciting.  The course takes you along some area roads and then you go onto a closed highway.  You repeat the whole thing twice.  I did start to feel better as I went.  Once my heart rate came down a bit, I got my bearings.  Getting out of the headwind gave me some confidence back as well.  I kept my Garmin showing only power and lap time to not distract myself from speed.  I tried to never let my power drop below 140.  I didn't have a clear nutrition goal either, but I essentially emptied my aerobottle with Perform.

I had a hard time staying in my box on the bike, and not thinking about how other people were doing.  This can be good from a competitive standpoint- the "find someone and chase them down" mentality, but I think I just let it be negative energy.  I was telling myself everyone seemed more fit, stronger, faster, etc.  I should have just focused on racing my best race.  I also kept being paranoid about flats.  I saw many people on the side of the road, due to flats I presume, so I kept being sure I had one. 

My mojo definitely came up the second loop.  By the time we were coming off the highway into the final stretch, I was pushing it and yelling at my legs to shut up.  I was able to chase a couple girls down, though couldn't beat the last one.  A nice tail wind coincided with this section, so I got a boost from the wind as my legs were pumping it out.  Of course that last quarter mile or so turns into the wind ago, but with the dismount in sight it's no big deal.

Final bike stats:
Time: 1:17:37  (19.17 mph)
NP: 147;  VI: 1.02;  IF: .90 (based on power test 2 days later)

When I got off the bike it was on to the run, which is usually my favorite and strong point, though this time my plan for the run was run 5 minutes, walk 1 minute.  I had done a run 4/walk 1 with good success for 40 minutes, so I figured this was  a bit of a stretch but nothing crazy.  I started with that good ol’ brick feel of legs moving through cement.  I didn’t have my Garmin, so no idea what my actual pace was but it felt like a crawl.  It was somewhat relieving to not care- I had to be smart and I obviously wasn’t pushing it.  I was shocked when I was passing people.  I got to the first walk interval with no problems.  The funny thing is people cheer you on more when walking, like you need the extra encouragement.  I wanted a sign to carry saying “This is my plan!!”. 

So that is pretty much how it played out, run 5 minutes, walk 1 minute.  Occasionally I had some extra walking depending on placement of the water stop, and a couple times I ran 6 minutes before walking due to water.  But more or less, I stuck to the plan. The major problem with my strategy is it makes you look at your watch a lot.  And nothing makes time go slower than constant staring at the watch.  Ironically, it seemed I was walking a lot less than a lot of folks out there.  And there I was thinking I’d be dead last…  It was fairly hot, and I think people just weren’t use to it.  This is where I realized how key it is to have a plan.  I think that I too may have walked more had I not had my plan due to injury.  Without it, you think “ugh this is hot and awful, I’ll just walk a minute.”  And that walking feels good.  Unfortuantely, rather than rejuvenate you, it more often leads to…  more walking.  However, having that plan at the get-go of some walking lets you still have the benefits of walking without it becoming an addiction.  Lesson to keep in mind… 

The run course was similar to the bike course in that nothing was that great to look at, despite running around the lake.  Well, by around the lake, this incudes through park lots with one of the worst smells you will ever experience.  The organization of water stations also seemed to be lacking.  There were a couple really close to eachother, and then a long stretch without any.  People were really suffering out there. 

As I neared the finish line, I was incredibly optimistic.  My hip was feeling fine.  I definitely hadn’t PR-ed, but I was still going to have a sub 3 hr Olympic, which I was happy with given the circumstances.  Seemed like my hip was saying it was on the upswing, and I even let myself have a brief notion of running in Wisconsin Dells, though the logical part of me quickly reminded myself that was just plain stupid. 

I finished in 2:57:10, with a run time of 59:43.  Not bad for about 12 minutes of walking (and really, no run training).  I was satisfied with this, as it wasn’t so much a race for me as a fun thing to do.  But here’s the kicker.  I placed 4^th in my age group.  And the top third qualify for AG National’s since it is a special qualifier.  So yeah, on my worst Olympic time with a gimpy hip, I qualified for a national champtionship…   Mixed feelings on that one- 1) awesome!, 2) Um, I don’t deserve it.  3) What the heck, when else can I say I qualified for that?  As to whether or not I’ll race, we’ll see.  Oh, but the real kicker- my run was third in my AG.  About that lesson of having a plan… 

Leon’s did a nice job with plenty of post-race food.  However, I was extremely disappointed that there was ZERO bike security.  You could walk out with not a single person watching you or checking you were taking your bike.  At least there are still nicer bikes than Penelope. 

All in all, I’m not sure I’d do this race again.  On the plus side, it is close to Chicago and a good test of somewhat early season fitness.  The special qualifer deal is also a bonus if you are trying to make it to Nationals.  However, the course was blah, and things like long stretches of no aid stations on a hot day and no bike security frustrate me.    Leon’s is considered the World’s Fastest Triathlon, and while it was my slowest, it was a win in many ways.  I may have to come back some day to see if it really can be my fastest. 

Emotions Check

On the eve of my first tri of the season- Leon's Triathlon (though I will be run/walking the run), I had a realization.  For the past almost 1.5 years, I lost my momentum in this sport.  Training, and the results it brought, were sporadic, as well as my motivation.  However, worse than this, was how I was beating myself up over it.  Almost in every post I've written, I have been disappointed in myself for my lack of consistency.  I've seen every skipped workout as a failure, and taken it personally.  I saw it reflecting on myself- I was unmotivated, couldn't commit, had no willpower. Now I am realizing that those thoughts are pure negative energy and do nothing to help me. 

This will be my first Olympic distance in two years.  I looked back on my results from that last race, where I was not tapered and remember feeling flat/awful the entire time.  This also led me to look at the training surrounding it.  A far cry from my training in the past year.  Consistent long runs over 10 miles, weekday morning bike rides of 18-25 miles, swimming 3x/week, etc.  I was also about 15 lbs lighter.  So the first thing I jumped to when seeing these old training logs was "wow, I was so good then and so bad now."  But wait a minute, yes, you were good at triathlon, or at least training for one.  But my life is very different from then to now. 

Back then, I was in the early stages of my research, and my productivity in that respect was pitiful. Train in the morning and come in late- no problem!  Now I'm thriving in that arena (at least some days) and working part time as a therapist.  Not only do I not have the flexibility in schedules that I use to, but my work leaves me much more stressed and fatigued.  Back then I could swim before or after work, being away from home for 14 hr periods.  Now I have a wonderful dog who would not like that so much.  Back then I had no competing weekend plans.  Now there are conferences, weddings, etc. 

Back then, triathlon was all I did, all I defined myself with.  And that was great.  I was faster than I can imagine now, at least in terms of running.  I was proud of myself, for training and racing.  Others were proud of me too.  I was happy doing triathlon.  Now, I have a lot of other things to define me as well.  These things take time and detract from triathlon, but they are also important.  Yes, I'm a far cry from the athlete I was back then, but I'm also a far cry from that person, and mostly in a good way.  Sometimes I think I don't like myself and am unhappy due to my "slob" state (aka that I don't train religiously and eat like a college kid...) and if I can just get back to those old habits, all will be right.  I think what I just figured out now is that I don't need to go back to that, but rather, my happiness resides in accepting that fact.  I am ok (or better than ok!) how I am.  There are tradeoffs in priorities, and we just do the best we can with where we are at. 

While I resolve to stop beating myself up for not being what I was, I also can recognize what I still want.  I love competition.  I would love to be competitive, at least at some level.  I do still love this sport, and these past few days of reintroducing running have been a great reminder of how much I love to run. 

I want to do better than I have been doing with training and eating and overall healthy lifestyle, but I will move on when this doesn't happen.  I also need to let go of the "once was" and focus on where I am at now.  While the whole season is up in the air thanks to this hip, I can't be competing with the old me.  Maybe this year I can beat her, maybe next, maybe the year after.  What I do know is that a year from now, I'll wish I started today.  So I can put in the work now and not be upset when I don't see instant results in races.  I can be ok with being slower than I was.  But if I don't start training as a better me, next year will be no different. 

Let's call the 2014 season my rebuilding year, and rather than worry about the failures, see all the positives as crafting a foundation.  I might not make all the progress I want to, but something is better than nothing. 

Relief... and frustration

After nearly 5 hours in the MRI last week and waiting an agonizing week for results, I got something quite anticlimatic.  The MRI is all clear.  Hallelujah!  Obviously, I am relieved.  While I have come to some sort of peace with a possible ankylosing spondylitis diagnosis over the past week or so, hearing this crossed off the list is outstanding news.  The two findings on the MRI were a very small labral tear on the left hip (the non-painful one) and a small bulging disk in my cervical spine.  Neither of these correlate with my symptoms and jsut go to show the dangers of doing imaging without knowing the patient's complaints. 

So while I am overcome with relief, I am also very frustrated.  I am no closer to knowing why I am having pain.  Yes, I know pain can be due to a variety of things, but I'm still concerned.  We are going on 3 months of this hip pain, and this thoracic pain seems to be getting worse.  Five hours of expensive imaging and I just don't know. 

In a way, finding something would have been a relief.  It would have been a clear explanation for my pain and I could make a plan or better educated guess on when I'd be all healed up.  Truthfully, it would also make me feel less wimpy.  Three months of crappy training I can't blame on an imaging finding.  All that moping, all those breakdowns the past couple of weeks, and I don't have a name to call it. 

The ironic thing is I actually have been drafting a post since this pain started from my PT viewpoint of why you don't need to have a pinpointed diagnosis.  But man, did I want one.  The good side is that I do have deficits that are correctable- my hips are mad weak and tight.  My core is on vacation.  My weight can come down a notch.  All these things can help. 

Since I don't have a diagnosis to make a plan for me, I guess I will have to go back to basics.  Strengthen what is weak, stretch what is tight, teach the muscles that don't fire how to fire.  I am going to keep with my run/walk plan to ease back into running.  And I guess we'll just play it by ear. 

Bottom line though, I'd rather deal with frustration than ankylosing spondylitis. 

Side note: Major props to everyone out there who does have AS.  I can only imagine how it feels to not get the phone call I got but instead the other version.  I have also been humbled by the accomplishments of folks I have heard about who do have AS and lead very active lives.  Helgi Olafson is one such individual who even responded to a message I sent him very quickly with the utmost support.  I have come to see the Crohns and Colitis community as one of incredible people, and it appears the AS one is as well.  Three cheers for all of us with autommune diseases- keep fighting the good fight!

Baby Steps

I'm in an optimistic place right now.  That is somewhat tough when waiting on MRI results that are definitely not happening in the 48 hrs they quoted me.  Too bad it isn't like ordering pizza- if it's not on time, it's free.  But patience is a virtue, right? 

Tonight I ran.  Not fast, not far, not without walk breaks, but I ran.  I did 6 rounds of 4 minutes of running alternating with 2 minutes of walking, for a grand total of 24 running minutes!  And no pain.  Not even a hint of soreness.  We'll see how it feels later, but I could jump up and down with joy right now. 

This is my second go at the run-walk approach.  On Sunday, I did 30 minutes with a 3 minute run to 2 minute walk ratio.  I also felt great on that run, unfortunately I had a pretty significant SI ache later that night when I was lying in bed.  However, it subsided by morning.  I'm not saying that is a good thing, but I'm willing to see how this round leaves me feeling tonight and tomorrow. 

I'm not just thrilled to not have pain with running, but the experience really just felt glorious.  It was a peaceful night (no Mom, I don't run in the dark at 9pm...), nice cool air, lights along the path all lit up.  I truly just felt rejuvenated.  I soaked in the calm of the night and was just grateful to be moving. 
 
Of course, any success like this also instantly makes me more optimistic for my recovery.  On Sunday, I am registered for Leon's Triathlon.  Since it really is so close to home and I already paid, I'm still going to go through with it as a test of swim and bike fitness.  I was planning to just bail after the bike.  However, this run(/walk) has me thinking I can take that same strategy and finish.  It obviously still won't be the race I want, but I need to focus on appreciating what I am doing.  

This run that has me so happy wasn't even planned.  My grand plan for the day was to do a longish swim after work and then bike when I got home.  Well, try working in the hospital for 5 hours in the morning and then running an experiment in the afternoon.  I was pooped.  I made myself go to the pool, but when I saw there was a wait, I just couldn't do it (excuses, excuses...).  I wrote today off as a rest day, and went on with other plans.  Then I pretty much psyched myself up to do something by just not wanting zeros in my TrainingPeaks account.  Whatever works, right?  I felt up for another try at running.  And man, am I glad I did! 

Uncertainty...

Writing this is a big victory.  It means I have (temporarily) put down whatever crap I am stuffing my face with in attempts to drown out emotions.  Here's the deal- I haven't worked out since Saturday.  I've been too busy hosting my own pity party while simultaneously telling myself it isn't so bad.  Yes, I multitask.  The roller coaster of last week has continued and I'm disappointed in myself but have to admit I'm letting it run me over.  Where we left off is that I had a good ride on Saturday.  The problem came Sunday when my hip wasn't totally convinced that it was in fact a good ride on Saturday.  So apparently biking isn't totally pain free either.  Sunday through Tuesday found me in pain with just walking.  Bad sign.  But then today, walking seems fine, and I can run about 10 feet before I feel it.  Yes, 10 feet is a long cry from a marathon, but drastically better than pain with walking. 

Part of me was relieved to have significant pain.  It takes the guess work out of "can I run through it?"  Rather than feeling lazy and unmotivated to work out, resting is the undoubtedly smart thing to do.  It also makes DNS's easier to swallow.  Last weekend was the Galena Sprint, another race I am a DNS for.  There have been races in the past that I've skipped and always questioned my decision, but skipping this one was a no brainer.  Unfortunately, while my body is definitely screaming "DO NOT RUN!", I am just hearing magical voices telling me not to swim or bike (or at least try and see how they feel). 

Part of the problem is that motivation has been a struggle for me for the past year or more.  I read stories of people who are injured and use it as an opportunity to swim six times a week.  And then there is me who was getting ready to go to swim class Monday night and just couldn't muster up the motivation.  All or nothing personality strikes back- if I can't do everything, why do something?  Training is a habit, and unfortunately, not training is just as addictive. 

What is killing me is the uncertainty.  What is wrong with me?  How long will I be out?  What should I be doing right now?  Every single event on my summer calendar except for my best friend's wedding is triathlon related.  In other words, this is what I've planned my life around and have no idea when I can get back to it.  I think I would rather know that I have a lengthy six month recovery period and that none of my races will happen then the "I can't run right now, maybe next week, maybe next month, it's all in the air."

I know I am definitely jumping to the worst case scenario when thinking of the possibility of ankylosing spondylitis, but it has been scary to see how folks react when I tell them my doctor is evaluating me for it.  There was my mom crying on the phone, and treating me like a fragile patient since then.  People I mentioned it to at work tread lightly around me.  I got up the courage to tell my boss I won't be able to run Ragnar and you would think I told her I have cancer and 6 weeks to live based on how she treated me today.  I really am thankful I have this support, but really, nothing has changed.  I am just back to the same pain I was having, now with added frustration and a possible diagnosis.  That sentiment is of course the logical me talking.  The emotional me is absorbing the pity and terrified it is for a good reason. 

My big fear is that this MRI is going to show something that will significantly change my lifestyle, i.e. strip my calendar of all those events for this year and possibly longer.  I'm in a weird place with life in general right now- friends are graduating, getting jobs, getting married, popping out babies.  And I'm not.  And 95% of the time, I'm ok with that.  I have triathlon to fill my time.  I have those events on my calendar and that gives me focus.  I'm scared of what my life will be without them. 

In total contrast, part of me sees the possibility of a "medically necessary" break as a relief.  Maybe a break is what I need based on that lacking motivation I've had.  I find myself questioning if I really enjoy this sometimes.  I keep coming back to yes, and that I am just in a funk right now.  I still love watching youtube videos of races, choosing new races to add to my schedule, reading forums, etc.  I really do enjoy (possibly not the right word...) the majority of my workouts once I get myself out the door.  I still dream big of what I could accomplish some day.  I still am so proud of what I have done through this sport and what I know I can do.  This past year and a half has been one of the most challenging, and I am still learning how to be myself.  In other words, I'm trying to recognize the struggles I've had with motivation as a byproduct of other crap, and realize that I need to set better boundaries and gain control in my life to return to the joy I have had in the past with this awesome sport. I also know that regardless of other circumstances in life, motivation isn't a guaranteed constant. 

“I often lose motivation, but it’s something I accept as normal.” -Bill Rodgers

So I need a plan to get back on track (again).  I have a beautiful bike less than two weeks old, and a drawer full of gu's I ordered in bulk.  I don't want to waste either one.  I also have probably another 3 lbs I have packed on thanks to that emotional eating beast.  Seems like this is all saying it is time to get back to work.  I have had my little break and my pity party.  I need to remind myself that I need to use my body however I can for as long as I can.  IBD has challenged that before, and now this setback is making me appreciate my body again.  One of my favorite quotes-   "There will come a day you won't be able to do this; today is not that day."

Thanks to the awesome folks at Rev3, I still have a goal.  Rev3 Wisconsin Dells has a aquathon division, a half-ironman sans the run.  Perfect for the injured!  I emailed them to ask if I can switch into it, expecting it to be a hassle.  Well, Rev3 is standing out above WTC in terms of customer service!  I got a nice email back saying no problem, and they'll even let me switch back to the full tri if my hip heals up, up to the day before!  I have exactly one month to get my swim and bike in gear to dominate this aquathon!  And what better way than with a holiday weekend?  Let's look on the bright side- 4 days off equals a very well rested Rachel.  Tomorrow is a new day.  Unfortunately, it is one hell of a busy day, but I vow to at least swim.  Baby steps.  And then I'm giving myself a challenge.  We'll call it Rachel's Memorial Day Get Your Butt in Gear Challenge.  Friday-Monday, 200 miles on the bike.  I'm not sure I've ever hit that sort of cycling mileage in four days, but why not (well if the hip hurts, that is a good reason not to, but I'm being positive for the moment).  I'm also setting a swim goal of 10,000 yds for those 4 days.  Am I getting too crazy if I say yoga and core in there?  And good eating.  And good sleeping.  Or maybe, I'll just try to do my best, and let that be enough.