What I'm Thinking for 2015...

It's pure craziness really.  This is a sickness.  I should've known six years ago that that little Naperville Tri would be my gateway drug... 

So on Friday I emailed WTC to withdraw and get my big 'ol "refund" of $150.  I'm not sure you can really even call it a refund if it is less than 25% of the original entry fee, but I digress.  Since then the relief I initially felt has already faded and it has crossed my mind a million times that maybe that was a mistake- maybe I can still be ready.  So many times in the past 24 hrs have I thought of emailing them back- "WAIT! Nevermind! I will still do it!"  But then I try to lift my arm and that reminds me.  Not this year.  Or I try to run a bit to catch a bus, and I still have some pain in my thigh (is that the same as the hip? Who knows...).  Yes, Ironman on September 28 would be dumb. 

But when you take a dream away, you need something to fill the void.  Once I was talked out of the fall marathon, I started looking towards next season.  The logical choice would be Ironman Wisconsin.  It is closest, allowing training on the course.  While it has hills for sure, they are none of the long climbs I am so unaccustomed to.  The race is at the end of the summer, giving me ample training time once winter ends in May or whatever it may be next year. 

I'm not sure if it's that more than a year seems so long to wait, or I just want to reach out beyond IMWI, or I feel a need to make up for Chattanooga.  Likely, all of the above.  Ironman Coeur d'Alene has always appealed to me for some reason, even with the water temperatures advertised as 55-65 degrees.  Actually, as I melt in my apartment right now, that sounds quite nice.  Yet, IMWI still makes too much sense to pass up...  So then I lost myself in pure stupidity...  could I do them both? 

I did the dumb thing of posting that question on the EN boards.  Sort of like asking a group of alcoholics at the bar if you should have another drink.  Only one person voted nay, with reasons of losing the support you have of friends/family/coworkers once the first is done.  I mapped out the training and it seems doable.  I am so so close to sending some more money to WTC and signing up for CdA. 

The cons are definitely there.  First, it is a lot of money.  Not just the $1300 I would pay in race fees alone, but the travel, hotel, etc.  There's the fact that this will include two ironman builds, meaning more 4+ hour rides and totally lost weekends than I want to think about right now.  There is the energy it will take from work, and next summer may be crazy with the final push before the dissertation.  There's all the stuff you miss with so much training, and the guilt you feel if you do prioritize work or family or friends above a big workout.  Specific to IMCdA is the fact that big training volume will start at the end of March, which will likely mean lots of long trainer rides.  There's also that scary cold water. And then there is that very important fact that I've been missing the motivation to train for one race a year, how the heck will I avoid burnout with two? 

As ironic as it may be, I think the last point might just be the secret to making this a success.  Something appeals to me to see in one year, how hard can I push myself and how much can I achieve.  I would not be doing this half-ass as I have been, but full steam ahead.  Do I have the discipline to do this?  It will obviously not be fun 100% of the time or maybe even 50%.  I will miss out of other things in the process.  But what could I accomplish if I do this right?  Nothing sums it up like this-

“To accomplish something extraordinary, one must have an extraordinary dream.  A goal so high, a journey so demanding, that it’s achievement to most seems impossible.  Ironman inspires us to re-imagine our limits, to set sights higher, to go farther than we ever have before. Ironman is a statement of excellence, passion, commitment; it is a test of physical toughness and mental strength. Ironman is about persevering, enduring, and being a part of something larger than ourselves.

It shows the heights that can be achieved when we push beyond our boundaries and go the distance to earn the title IRONMAN.”

I am longing for that feeling of knowing I committed myself to something big, and pushed as hard as I could, and see what happens. 

So right now, here is the plan:
Next two weeks- get out of funk, bike, run, do something. Every day.  Oh, and eat like an athlete!
Starting 8/11- Half Marathon using Hal Higdon's Intermediate Plan.  Chose the Intermediate as the mileage will allow me to more slowly (smartly) build up my running legs again.  I may extend a few of the early runs a bit, but we'll see.  I also like that it isn't totally demanding so I can put in a couple bike rides a week as well.
November 1- Indianapolis Monumental Half Marathon 
November- Start EN "Outseason" Plan- really committing to it this year!
January 25- F3 Half Marathon 
March 30- Start 12 week Race Prep Phase for IMCdA
April 30-March 3- Blue Ridge Parkway Training Camp- build confidence for CdA long climbs!
May 24- Rev3 Knoxville 70.3
June 28- IM Couer d'Alene
mid-late July- Half Ironman TBD
early August- IMWI Training Camp
September 13- IM Wisconsin

Totally doable, right?

Change in Plans

It's been 11 days since my bike accident and washing my hair still makes me want to cry.  In other words, no real improvement with the shoulder. There will be moments where I think I can lift it a bit more, but then I do something like try to roll over in bed, and want to scream in pain. 

Right after the accident it seemed temporary.  So I wouldn't be able to swim for a bit, but I could run one-armed, and bike on the trainer.  Except running, while going ok right now, hasn't really been solid this year.  And biking on the trainer doesn't get me all the hours I need.  If I had been nailing my training up to this point, things would be different.  But this whole year has been a one step forward, two steps back in terms of injury and training.  I haven't been training with the respect I believe Ironman deserves.  

Time to face the music...  there will be no IM Chattanooga this year.  Mike Reilly won't call my name.  I won't get to take part in the inaugural event.  I won't get to experience every thing about an Ironman weekend that makes it epic and magical and unable to put into words.  I won't be going to Madison next weekend for a big training block, and I won't be driving the 9+ hrs each way down to Chattanooga to train on the course in mid-August.  I won't be putting in 14+ hr training weeks and giving my Saturdays away to to the bike.  I won't be asked about my training by my friends and co-workers.  And in a way, it feels like I just won't be anything special. 

But here's the good news.  Ironman isn't going anywhere.  As long as races can fill up in minutes with folks paying $700, Ironman will be there waiting for me when I'm ready.  And while there are all these things I won't be doing, there is so much that I will be.  I will be able to go on vacation with my family.  I will be able to give my body the rehab it deserves.  I will be able to hang out with my friend all weekend before she moves away.  I will be able to do things I want to in the moment, without the guilt of skipping a workout.  I will be able to have a life. 

While it wasn't an easy decision, I'm pretty confident it is the right one.  I am also pretty confident I would still be able to pull of the training necessary to finish.  But I know I can finish, that wasn't the point of Ironman #2.  I want to do better.  And that wasn't so certain.  And trying for it wasn't so fun.  One of my favorite things about Endurance Nation is that the coaches frequently point out that this is all a game.  If it isn't fun, don't do it.  If other things need to take precedence (job, family, recovering from injury, etc), they should.  While I'm now way behind on TdF, I did watch Cavendish, then Froome, then Contador, all have early exits due to crashes.  Unlike me, their sport is their life and their livelihood.  And yet, they still have to face that this isn't their year.  It is heartbreaking and really puts my challenges, if I can even call them that, into perspective. 

As for where to go from here, I'm not quite sure.  My first "Plan B" was going to be a fall marathon.  But the EN coaches knocked some sense into me, or at least reminded me that as a PT, I should realize how dumb an idea it is to have a huge running goal when I am just coming back from a hip injury.  Perhaps a half would be a better plan.  However, even though logically the marathon is dumb, having another "big goal" is making this whole no Ironman thing a bit easier to swallow.  On the other hand, I know my marathon time would be disappointing.  My last open marathon was a 3:32.  I weighted 20 lbs less than I do now and was an "athlete" in all ways.  I'm not that girl at the moment, and while a marathon might push me in that direction, I might self-destruct in the process or have my confidence destroyed.

While I don't know my immediate plans, I really want to do things "right" in 2015.  As almost everything I write seems to come back to, it's been a couple years since I trained how I want to.  Part of my lack of motivation has been due to being out of shape, as that creates a cycle where workouts suck, you feel bad about yourself, you skip workouts because you dread them, and so forth.  I think this bit of unstructured time might help recharge the batteries.  I've already signed up for the Blue Ridge Parkway bike camp next spring.  I'm also toying with a winter training camp, either in Tucson or Florida.  As for races, it seems IMWI makes the most sense location-wise, but Mont Tremblant is really appealing to me.  Lake Placid also has an allure, if I could get in.  IM CDA?  Two in one year?  Hmm... 

At the moment, being bored has never felt better.

Week of False Starts

Last week was the 12 weeks to go until Ironman Chattanooga, and the official start of my "Race Prep" phase.  Being one that loves fresh starts, I was looking forward to nailing all workouts from here on out, especially after an awesome big day I had last Sunday.  What I got instead was a lot of false starts. 

Monday morning I got my butt out of bed and was at the pool by 5:30am.  This is a good start, I told myself.  But then I started swimming.  The great swim I had on Saturday seemed like a distant memory.  There was no power in my stroke.  I had no energy.  My form was abysmal.  I thought maybe I just needed to warm up, but I never got my stride (stride? stroke?).  I bailed on the first interval and decided to just get in a light 1000 yd recovery swim.  I'm glad I got something in, but it definitely felt like a "false start" to the week and the training plan.  The "oops" was that I never made it back to the pool last week. 

Tuesday I had a great run in that my hip felt good, but my right knee was a little less than thrilled. If it isn't one thing, it's another.  Or, the more scientific/correct mindset is "wow that leg is weak, do you darn exercises or don't complain about continued injuries!". 

Wednesday I got on the trainer to do my interval bike.  No power once again.  Felt 100% flat, and bailed after a few minutes.  However, Thursday morning I woke up and nailed my bike.  Not easy, but it isn't suppose to be.  Got it done.  We'll call Wednesday another false start. 

By the time Friday rolled around, my training week was looking far from impressive.  No worries though, lots planned for the weekend.

Saturday morning I started a long run, only to be stopped by knee pain a half mile in.  That evening, I talked myself into trying just a short easy jog, to see if the pain got better or worse.  I had planned on 20 minutes and ended up getting 4 miles in.  The knee was a bit sore, but not bad and didn't get worse during the run.  Glad I got that run in, but not the big bike and swim I had also planned.  Did I mention I have a grant deadline coming up?  Apparently that has to be a priority.

Sunday is the true "false start" of my week.  I was planning on going out to Dekalb to do an 80 mile ride with "Biking with Beanzie".  I rented a car and everything.  The car was parked about 2 blocks away, so instead of walking my bike, I decided to ride to the car.  All good, except the bag with my gear fell off my shoulder, got caught in the front tire, and over the handlebars I went.  I have crashed on my bike before, but never the over the handlebars type.  It sure shakes you up!  Thank GOD I was wearing a helmet for that 2 block jaunt, as I hit my head.  I sulked back home, high on the adrenaline and not realizing how sore I was.  Then the shoulder pain started.  Not too bad at rest, but forward flexion is crazy limited and hurts like hell.  Rotator cuff? Muscle strain? I went to the doctor today (internist) who ordered xrays of my scapula (where the pain is located), which were not surprisingly, clear.  I wasn't thinking a fracture, but good to rule out.  The plan now is to see how things evolve in the next few days, and take it from there. 

So I'm not sure where I'm at.  Once again, the rest of my season is a big question mark.  Part of me was relieved that this just might be the determining factor.  I'd have more time for research stuff, be able to go see family and friends, just plain old enjoy summer and not in the 5 hr ride way.  Even just the fact that I was feeling relief about ending my season made me think I should end my season. 

Then tonight I decided to go for a run.  I was going to just do a couple miles.  But it felt good (as long as I only swung my good arm).  Ten miles later, the Ironman dreams are rekindled.  I still don't know if it will be possible.  But I figure I'll go until I know it's not.  I think this might just be another False Start. 

The Three Month Mark

Don't get me started on where time is going this year, but on Saturday, we hit the "three months to go" mark.  Warning, warning: Ironman ahead!  Yep, officially on the radar (since it wasn't before, of course that hasn't consumed my thoughts since registering last September...). And while many of my posts are all "why do I suck at committing to training", I am happy to report I am in a good place. 

I had mixed emotions (though mainly relief) about bailing on Rev3 Wisconsin Dells.  And last weekend didn't turn into that great training weekend I had envisioned.  But this past week was awesome!  Almost 14 hours of training, my high for the year (by a ton) and around the max hours I was hitting last year.  I was putting in the time and enjoying it! 

So at three months to go- here is where we're at:

1) Swim: Great!  Yes, I said that.  I don't know if it was the classes I took or what, but my swim is feeling good!  Times are dropping, but more importantly, I'm not dreading my time in the water.  Life still gets in the way with swimming, but last week I did 2 of the 3 prescribed workouts, exactly as written.  The goal from here on out is to hit all three swims each week, preferably an open water swim each week, and work on my pull.  I still don't think I have a good feel for the water.  Sidenote: helped out at a Challenged Athletes Foundation swim clinic this weekend- coolest experience ever.  Possibly more on that in another post. 

2) Bike: Biking is also going well!  I am loving Penelope, my new P2.  With travel and laziness, I had gone a fair amount with no/minimal riding.  I kicked it into gear last week.  It was evident at first how out of shape I was.  I had big plans for an epic bike week, but the first night I hopped on the trainer, planning a FTP ride of 10', 15', 10' followed by zone 3 time.  I bailed after struggling through the second interval.  Wednesday I rode to my doctor's appointment at UofC (about 33 miles).  I took Baby Beluga since I'm too scared to leave Penelope anywhere, and had a pretty solid ride (though no data so who knows).  However, since I took my Cobb V-flow saddle off BB for Penelope, I realized while riding the stock saddle just how great the V-flow is!  Ouch.  I now have a new saddle on the way so both bikes can be luxury rides.  Thursday saw another ride- 3x8' at FTP.  It was a morning I had trouble getting out of bed but I ended up really enjoying the ride.  The 8 minute intervals are tough but short enough that mentally I could talk my way through them.  Then it was on to the weekend for the long rides.  Saturday saw just under 60 miles with some great FTP work (12', 15', 10'), where all intervals felt doable.  Sunday was the follow-up, where I discovered a new route.  I rode west on Devon, picked up the Forest Preserve path, took that up to Tower Road, and rode back my usual way on Sheridan.  The path is winding and there was some congestion on it, so not the best route if I had solid numbers to hit, but good for a Z2ish ride.  Just fun to be out "exploring". 

This week will see my doing a bike test- dreading it already.  I'm not sure if I'm expecting a change or not.  Last week is really the only solid week of training I have, but I also executed my last test badly (i.e. binging on ice cream right before) so we'll see.  At the very least I'll get practice testing.

3) Running.  Win- it has actually been happening.  Last Sunday I decided to test my hip (again) after a week off with increased soreness.  I started the week with an easy 20 minute run on Monday- pain free.  Tuesday I pushed it to 4 miles, where it was evident that while my hip felt fine, my endurance had vanished.  The real success was running 6 whole miles on Thursday. Pain-free!  And, pain-free on Friday!  I even did 3.5 more miles Saturday, all pain free!  Pain-free!  So excited!  I know I've been here before on this rollar coaster, but this seems like it might work out.  15.5 miles for the week- that is a big win! 

So what is different?  I'm not sure.  Maybe just time (3.5 months!!).  I have been better about doing some exercises and stretches- mostly clams for strength and internal rotation stretches.  I think that helps the muscles remember to fire, and gets my alignment better.  I've noticed that the right feels different than the left with the internal rotation, like sometimes it doesn't just feel muscular but like something is off.  I'm still being somewhat conservative.  This week I will push it to 8 miles and see how that feels.  Fingers crossed.

4) Nutrition- the fourth discipline.  And a win here!  I am using myfitnesspal.com and tracking.  Even if I don't know something for sure, I guess, just to get in the habit and not do a "well, this is all a waste."  It is going well, except for Friday which became a free-for-all (though felt different than a binge...).  I've been making a lot of things from the Racing Weight Cookbook and really enjoying everything I've made there.  The scale hasn't moved as much as I would like, though it hasn't been long at all.  I need to remember that a pound a week consistently will get me to my goal. 

Some things still aren't perfect.  I'm not sleeping enough.  Stressed at work.  Disorganized in many ways. But with three months to go, I'm pretty happy with everything!

I'm not superwoman...

Some people do it all.  They work full time, high pressure jobs.  They raise families.  They train 15+ hrs a week, and race like pros.  Well, I'm not one of them.  I cannot do it all, and therefore will be marking my second DNS of the season this weekend. 

I knew my June was crazy.  Rev3 Wisconsin Dells would be the third (long) weekend in a row I'd be out of town.  The first was a conference, so that had some stress.  Then my best friend's wedding, complete with MOH duties.  Yeah, stressful.  And then this.  Add to it that work has never been crazier (mostly good crazy, but crazy).  Bad sleep.  A cold I'm just getting over.  Bad eating.  Sick cat.  Bad training.  Bad news about my aunt.  Disastrous house.  Emotional breakdown on 28th birthday.  Yes- not my week. 

It came to the tipping point this morning.  I was woken up by my dog hacking up a lung in her crate.  Not only have my travels gotten the best of me, but I was sure she had kennel cough.  Which would be her second bout of it in about six months.  Winning.  Then at lunch came a text that a friend who was in town to look for an apartment was in the hospital.  Come on people, I can't take this.  Then when I got home from not the best day of work at the hospital (apparently I went to school for 3 years to get a DPT to be competent at spoon feeding patients and changing diapers), I was crippled by anxiety.  I had a finite time window to 1) get dog to boarding (kennel cough false alarm or my emotions scared it out of her); 2) get my bike to the bike shop to get the 11-28 cassette installed so I wouldn't be stuck at the bottom of the hills in the Dells; and 3) pick up rental car.  I seriously didn't know where to start, and I realized I just couldn't do it. 

So good for those people who aren't crippled by things like this.  I applaud you but I'm not you.  I am inches from a breakdown (or maybe already in one) and need to take care of me.  None of these things are really that bad, and I know I could handle them.  But at what cost?  And why?

I was originally very excited for this race.  Then came the hip.  Then came bad training.  And then came stress that put this race at the bottom of my priorities.  I'm sure it would be fun and you always learn from racing, but I think a DNS is the best thing for me.  Training-wise especially, I can get way more out of a weekend of training not bogged down by travel and all that stress then I would by traveling to go there.  I always hate losing the registration fee, but really I'm saving money by not renting a car, having a hotel room, or boarding the dog.  And I'm saving my sanity.  Instead of being stressed out all weekend about a race I don't care much about, I can get my life in order.  I can clean.  I can get some work done.  I can train.  I can sleep.  I can (gasp) have fun?  Relax? 

DNS is never an easy decision, and I hope I'm not making a pattern of it.  But it is important to have perspective.  When I was training for my first marathon or first Olympic or first HIM, a DNS seemed like the worse thing in the world.  Now it seems like a huge relief.  For better or for worse, that's where I am right now.  Not superwoman, and that is ok. 

Leon's Tri 2014 Race Report- Swim, Bike, Run/Walk Edition

I registered for Leon's Triathlon way back in the fall, before I ever saw this injury and long layup coming.  It was designated as a C-race for me, meaning no deliberate taper, just keep with my current training plan.  In the past few weeks with this hip of mine, I haven't been sure whether or not to still do the race.  I ultimately decided I should at least do the swim and bike to have a competitive atmosphere push me.  I had already paid my registration and it wasn't much increased cost, as the race is 45 minutes away and all I would need is a car.  This week as I reintroduced running mixed with walking, I started to think maybe I could do a run/walk approach to the run.  The main thing scaring me was that google race results are forever- I was scared about having a super slow time posted on the interwebs for the world to see.  But then I had my attitude breakthrough yesterday and decided to go for it.

In the week leading up, my training wasn't great.  I did a long ride on Memorial Day, a couple 30 minute swims, and those joyous run/walk sessions.  Thursday was a total rest day.  I had planned on putting in a long ride for HIM training yesterday, but sleep and life won out.  So maybe I will be "tapered" for this thing after all.

Yesterday was a "what not to eat the day before a race" type of day.  Ice cream for breakfast.  Not an exaggeration.  Random, mostly unhealthy, stuff throughout the day.  No excuse for it, but those glycogen stores were at least tapped off.  While I was at it, I decided to make other silly day before race mistakes.  Like not thinking of packing my stuff until 9pm.  Or not going to bed until 11pm.  I think I have gotten use to the somewhat complex logistics of the longer stuff and had forgotten that even "just" an Olympic has lots of moving parts.  So next time, checklists.

I woke up this morning at 5am exhausted.  Quick shower, breakfast of 1 cup vanilla yogurt and 1/2 cup gluten free oats, and a cup of coffee.  I thought I'd be on the road by 5:30 but it was closer to 6.  This got me a bit anxious but I knew I had plenty of time.  It is just a 45 minute drive and transition closed at 7:20.  It was an uneventful drive down, and had the usual emergence of fancy bikes on cars as you got close to the site.  Plenty of parking at the high school, and then I took Penelope to transition.

Transition was first come first serve, which is not my favorite.  I chose a somewhat central location (without scoping out the traffic flow in transition).  Again, checklists would have been helpful.  My brain was still tired and I was having a hard time figuring out what I needed.  I also had brought way too much stuff, so a packing checklist would've helped there.  I was excited to have my first race with Penelope.  I had her set up with the profile bottle in the aerobars with 3 scoops Perform and a bottle on the frame with water.  I definitely need to adjust the straw in the Profile bottle, as that was not ideal.  Once I was setup I got bodymarked and applied sunscreen.  I ate a banana around 7am and then joined the portapotty line, which moved pretty quickly.

After I left transition, I had my first two complaints about this race, one of which is preventable with better planning on my part.  1) No gear check or glasses area.  Yes, you can leave most of your stuff in transition, but I had an hour between the close of transition and my start time.  For me it was mostly that I wanted to have glasses and then somewhere to put them, but I could see having a gear check be good for other things like flip flops or warm clothes on a cold day.  I ended up asking the guy at the Athletico tent to stow my glasses for me.  The second was no fluids while we waited, not even a water fountain.  I should have brought a bottle, but it would've been nice to have cups of water or gatorade out for that wait.  I got really nervous about dehydrating so I ended up breaking that "don't try anything new on race day" rule and having lots of samples from vendors of their various drink products.

There was an opening ceremony with nice recognition given to different military groups.  The whole race felt very patriotic- flags everywhere!  The guy that does the anthem for the Blackhawks sang it here as well.  They announced that they were trying to speed up getting us in the water to beat the heat as much as possible.  My wave was scheduled to start at 8:30, I'm not sure how much earlier we ended up.  I had a gu at 8ish and got my wetsuit on and lined up with the other pink caps.  My wave was the last one of the Olympic and all men and women 34 yrs old and under.  I was a little scared to be swimming with the guys, but nothing I could do about it.  Stay in my box.

The swim starts in deep water.  It felt refreshing when I first jumped in.  The water temperature was 73 degrees, and I was happy I'd gone with my sleeveless wetsuit.  The swim course is a rectangle, and is well marked with orange buoys.  I was nervous that I was going to panic as I usually do a bit for my first open water swim of the season, but I was fine.  I got into a rhythm pretty quickly, and tried to really focus on the patient hands/gliding that I've been working on.  Much harder to execute in open water, and I could not get into a rhythm of breathing every 3rd stroke.  There was surprisingly little contact during the swim, which kept making me think I was off course.  I also had no idea where I stood in the pack.  A few times when I paused to reorient myself, I could see caps ahead of me and caps behind me, so I guess I was somewhere in the middle.  The swim seemed long.  I think this is partially due to my lack of swimming, as I'm not use to spending time in the water.  I wasn't really tired, just like "get me out of here".  There was a sandbar close to the end of the swim, so people were standing up.  I thought it was over, but then the sandbar dropped off and you had about another 100 m to go.  My swim time was 34:19.  While this time is quite disappointing, you really can't slack as much as I have on the swim training and expect a miracle.

When I came out of the water I felt dizzy and disoriented.  I got the top part of my suit off and left my goggles on since they are prescription.  The run to transition was longer than I thought, as the entrance was on the far side.  Should've checked that out better before hand.  Found my bike pretty quickly and could tell my heart rate was sky high.  The dizziness got a bit better when I got my glasses on but I still felt off balance. Penelope and I were off to the mount line.

As soon as I was on the bike I felt off.  My heart rate was ridiculously high, still felt a bit disoriented, and felt I couldn't get my legs going.  Starting off into a head wind wasn't helpful, and I quickly felt discouraged.  I didn't have a super clear bike goal to begin with, but that "just give up" side of my brain started talking.  I compromised- I would try to push myself, but accept that what I get pushing myself might not be what I want.

The major criticism of the bike course is the massive amount of turns.  I would add that the second criticism is absolutely no scenery.  Concrete.  Roads.  Concrete.  Not exciting.  The course takes you along some area roads and then you go onto a closed highway.  You repeat the whole thing twice.  I did start to feel better as I went.  Once my heart rate came down a bit, I got my bearings.  Getting out of the headwind gave me some confidence back as well.  I kept my Garmin showing only power and lap time to not distract myself from speed.  I tried to never let my power drop below 140.  I didn't have a clear nutrition goal either, but I essentially emptied my aerobottle with Perform.

I had a hard time staying in my box on the bike, and not thinking about how other people were doing.  This can be good from a competitive standpoint- the "find someone and chase them down" mentality, but I think I just let it be negative energy.  I was telling myself everyone seemed more fit, stronger, faster, etc.  I should have just focused on racing my best race.  I also kept being paranoid about flats.  I saw many people on the side of the road, due to flats I presume, so I kept being sure I had one. 

My mojo definitely came up the second loop.  By the time we were coming off the highway into the final stretch, I was pushing it and yelling at my legs to shut up.  I was able to chase a couple girls down, though couldn't beat the last one.  A nice tail wind coincided with this section, so I got a boost from the wind as my legs were pumping it out.  Of course that last quarter mile or so turns into the wind ago, but with the dismount in sight it's no big deal.

Final bike stats:
Time: 1:17:37  (19.17 mph)
NP: 147;  VI: 1.02;  IF: .90 (based on power test 2 days later)

When I got off the bike it was on to the run, which is usually my favorite and strong point, though this time my plan for the run was run 5 minutes, walk 1 minute.  I had done a run 4/walk 1 with good success for 40 minutes, so I figured this was  a bit of a stretch but nothing crazy.  I started with that good ol’ brick feel of legs moving through cement.  I didn’t have my Garmin, so no idea what my actual pace was but it felt like a crawl.  It was somewhat relieving to not care- I had to be smart and I obviously wasn’t pushing it.  I was shocked when I was passing people.  I got to the first walk interval with no problems.  The funny thing is people cheer you on more when walking, like you need the extra encouragement.  I wanted a sign to carry saying “This is my plan!!”. 

So that is pretty much how it played out, run 5 minutes, walk 1 minute.  Occasionally I had some extra walking depending on placement of the water stop, and a couple times I ran 6 minutes before walking due to water.  But more or less, I stuck to the plan. The major problem with my strategy is it makes you look at your watch a lot.  And nothing makes time go slower than constant staring at the watch.  Ironically, it seemed I was walking a lot less than a lot of folks out there.  And there I was thinking I’d be dead last…  It was fairly hot, and I think people just weren’t use to it.  This is where I realized how key it is to have a plan.  I think that I too may have walked more had I not had my plan due to injury.  Without it, you think “ugh this is hot and awful, I’ll just walk a minute.”  And that walking feels good.  Unfortuantely, rather than rejuvenate you, it more often leads to…  more walking.  However, having that plan at the get-go of some walking lets you still have the benefits of walking without it becoming an addiction.  Lesson to keep in mind… 

The run course was similar to the bike course in that nothing was that great to look at, despite running around the lake.  Well, by around the lake, this incudes through park lots with one of the worst smells you will ever experience.  The organization of water stations also seemed to be lacking.  There were a couple really close to eachother, and then a long stretch without any.  People were really suffering out there. 

As I neared the finish line, I was incredibly optimistic.  My hip was feeling fine.  I definitely hadn’t PR-ed, but I was still going to have a sub 3 hr Olympic, which I was happy with given the circumstances.  Seemed like my hip was saying it was on the upswing, and I even let myself have a brief notion of running in Wisconsin Dells, though the logical part of me quickly reminded myself that was just plain stupid. 

I finished in 2:57:10, with a run time of 59:43.  Not bad for about 12 minutes of walking (and really, no run training).  I was satisfied with this, as it wasn’t so much a race for me as a fun thing to do.  But here’s the kicker.  I placed 4^th in my age group.  And the top third qualify for AG National’s since it is a special qualifier.  So yeah, on my worst Olympic time with a gimpy hip, I qualified for a national champtionship…   Mixed feelings on that one- 1) awesome!, 2) Um, I don’t deserve it.  3) What the heck, when else can I say I qualified for that?  As to whether or not I’ll race, we’ll see.  Oh, but the real kicker- my run was third in my AG.  About that lesson of having a plan… 

Leon’s did a nice job with plenty of post-race food.  However, I was extremely disappointed that there was ZERO bike security.  You could walk out with not a single person watching you or checking you were taking your bike.  At least there are still nicer bikes than Penelope. 

All in all, I’m not sure I’d do this race again.  On the plus side, it is close to Chicago and a good test of somewhat early season fitness.  The special qualifer deal is also a bonus if you are trying to make it to Nationals.  However, the course was blah, and things like long stretches of no aid stations on a hot day and no bike security frustrate me.    Leon’s is considered the World’s Fastest Triathlon, and while it was my slowest, it was a win in many ways.  I may have to come back some day to see if it really can be my fastest. 

Emotions Check

On the eve of my first tri of the season- Leon's Triathlon (though I will be run/walking the run), I had a realization.  For the past almost 1.5 years, I lost my momentum in this sport.  Training, and the results it brought, were sporadic, as well as my motivation.  However, worse than this, was how I was beating myself up over it.  Almost in every post I've written, I have been disappointed in myself for my lack of consistency.  I've seen every skipped workout as a failure, and taken it personally.  I saw it reflecting on myself- I was unmotivated, couldn't commit, had no willpower. Now I am realizing that those thoughts are pure negative energy and do nothing to help me. 

This will be my first Olympic distance in two years.  I looked back on my results from that last race, where I was not tapered and remember feeling flat/awful the entire time.  This also led me to look at the training surrounding it.  A far cry from my training in the past year.  Consistent long runs over 10 miles, weekday morning bike rides of 18-25 miles, swimming 3x/week, etc.  I was also about 15 lbs lighter.  So the first thing I jumped to when seeing these old training logs was "wow, I was so good then and so bad now."  But wait a minute, yes, you were good at triathlon, or at least training for one.  But my life is very different from then to now. 

Back then, I was in the early stages of my research, and my productivity in that respect was pitiful. Train in the morning and come in late- no problem!  Now I'm thriving in that arena (at least some days) and working part time as a therapist.  Not only do I not have the flexibility in schedules that I use to, but my work leaves me much more stressed and fatigued.  Back then I could swim before or after work, being away from home for 14 hr periods.  Now I have a wonderful dog who would not like that so much.  Back then I had no competing weekend plans.  Now there are conferences, weddings, etc. 

Back then, triathlon was all I did, all I defined myself with.  And that was great.  I was faster than I can imagine now, at least in terms of running.  I was proud of myself, for training and racing.  Others were proud of me too.  I was happy doing triathlon.  Now, I have a lot of other things to define me as well.  These things take time and detract from triathlon, but they are also important.  Yes, I'm a far cry from the athlete I was back then, but I'm also a far cry from that person, and mostly in a good way.  Sometimes I think I don't like myself and am unhappy due to my "slob" state (aka that I don't train religiously and eat like a college kid...) and if I can just get back to those old habits, all will be right.  I think what I just figured out now is that I don't need to go back to that, but rather, my happiness resides in accepting that fact.  I am ok (or better than ok!) how I am.  There are tradeoffs in priorities, and we just do the best we can with where we are at. 

While I resolve to stop beating myself up for not being what I was, I also can recognize what I still want.  I love competition.  I would love to be competitive, at least at some level.  I do still love this sport, and these past few days of reintroducing running have been a great reminder of how much I love to run. 

I want to do better than I have been doing with training and eating and overall healthy lifestyle, but I will move on when this doesn't happen.  I also need to let go of the "once was" and focus on where I am at now.  While the whole season is up in the air thanks to this hip, I can't be competing with the old me.  Maybe this year I can beat her, maybe next, maybe the year after.  What I do know is that a year from now, I'll wish I started today.  So I can put in the work now and not be upset when I don't see instant results in races.  I can be ok with being slower than I was.  But if I don't start training as a better me, next year will be no different. 

Let's call the 2014 season my rebuilding year, and rather than worry about the failures, see all the positives as crafting a foundation.  I might not make all the progress I want to, but something is better than nothing.